Today my grandma would have been 80. Yes, just a little bit longer, and she could have had a considerable anniversary, but с'est la vie.
I think my grief is still pretty much delayed. I had somewhat of a meltdown sometime last summer, but it was brief, and I do not even remember much of the context from the time. I do remember grandma, though. And looking back, I think I remember her more, than I remember my mother. Technically I spent more time with mom, but I guess I had more experiences with grandma. Or at least more positive experiences.
Museums, theatres, ballet... I think all of those were with my grandma. Most of cinemas were, as well, although there were a few with mom, and maybe 2 with father. Lots of tabletops games and card games, too. I also think it was her, who taught me "divination" with playing card, or at least one variant of it. But I do not even remember the "divination" itself, so I can be wrong.
She, probably, was the most "accepting" of me in the family. We definitely had some fights, but I think like they were more petty, than those I had with the others. I also can't think of situations, where she would have been condescending to me. Both mom and father were, when they were trying to teach me something, grandma - don't think so.
Most of my "pocket money" came from her, too. Some of it "secretly". In fact, as far as I know most of the money used in the family was hers. I do not know what was the real situation, but from the talks it look like father gave mom less than half of his salary, and that was not enough for the family of 3. So grandma gave support money constantly, and not just for "needs", also for "wants", even when they were completely impractical (like 2nd house on the same piece of land, which was basically just for the sake of a sauna, but was as large as the main house).
Grandma was constantly working. At work, at her apartment (technically just 1 room, because the apartment was "communal", split between her and another woman), then when she came to us for weekends, and also at the country house. I think most of her rest was sitting silently in an armchair watching whatever parents were watching on TV. Sometimes solving crosswords. Yet, both mom and father (usually through mom) quite often followed a pattern of some sort of complaining, which then turned into an argument, and a real quarrel, resulting in grandma staying away for a few weeks, and then returning again, because we somehow needed more money.
Even when the family started cracking after mom's death, she still was trying to support it. Mostly by just being on my side, but still without her, I do not know how I would be able to deal not only with Chance, but with father as well. Like, "in general". I mean he went off the rails, and was actively ostracizing all the relatives and past family friends against me. Granma was able to convince at least one of them that it's not like what father was describing, so that they at least listened to my side of the story. She also supported me with my continuous attempts to woo my Ukrainian girlfriend. If mom was alive, she would have flipped, learning, that she is not Russian, and if father learnt about it - he would have disowned me. For the 2nd time.
Interestingly, my girlfriend recently had a run-in with some "magician". Allegedly, he somehow cured her bull terrier's allergies, so she asked him about me. He said, that my grandma is dragging me down, and is trying to get me to "her side" and is using my guilt for that. I do not know if the guy can actually "see" somethin (anything really), but even if he does, there is also art to interpreting things, that you see, and most likely he just saw my girlfriend's perception of me.
She knows that I blamed myself for mom's death. The last conversation we had ended with me saying that I want her to live for herself, not for me, and then the next day she died. It was difficult to separate that conversation from the cold truth of cancer and its consequences. Since I left grandma alone in Moscow, when I moved to Helsinki, it would be reasonable to assume, that I would blame myself for grandma's death as well. But... I do not.
I do wish, that I could have been near. Even if I would not be able to save her, maybe I could have improved the moment of passing in some way. If I were to blame anyone, it would... Herself? Maybe? After retirement she did become somewhat lazy, and was covering it a bit by being almost manipulative, finding little ways to play with my emotions so that I would do something for her, even though it would be beneficial for her to do it herself. Our last few quarrels were essentially because I figured out the pattern and was resisting this kind of manipulation.
On the other hand laziness was not just for the sake of laziness. She did get tired. Her body was giving out and inconveniencing her more and more. So I guess I should blame my whole family then, since we did not give her time to properly rest, when she actually needed it. Or maybe I should blame my mom for dying, and causing grandma's depression, and giving her some mental blocks from going to psychotherapist (besides 2 or 3 visits, I was able to drag her into). Or maybe I should blame putinists, since because of them good medical care was very expensive and far away from grandma, which was just another reason for her to not visit doctors, when needed.
Point is... Blame game is pointless. She was not killed, after all. As far as I know. I can't get the full report without physically coming to Moscow, which I am not willing to do until the war is over, and, ideally, putin has no more power. She is just...
Gone.
But not forgotten.
