Wondered if I should even bother writing something like this, but to hell with it.
So 2019 has ended. I believe, this year turned out to be the one, when I changed the most. Dunno if it’s that visible from the outside, but I feel significantly different compared to, say, 2018 or 2017.
The year started for me with simple realization: I had a burnout (realized it in 2018, though), and even though, I knew what to do to move through it, it was not enough. Guess, chemistry is a bitch. So I started sessions with psychotherapist, mainly to help with the chemistry. But it also helped to confirm, that the way I was "picking myself up" or even reprogramming myself since quite some time was, indeed, correct.
I had a trip to Helsinki and Stockholm, had a long deserved rest and came to a final realization, that I do want (if not even "need") to move because of a feeling of being somehow constrained in Russia. Some may call it "running away", but this is more like realization of my own limits and letting go. There are certain trends going on here, that I do not like and can’t affect and do not see a way to fix in a "political" manner (even though I hate politics), but somehow, when I think about possibilities outside of Russia, I see like a "string" that I just need to catch to be able to climb it up and realize my ambitions.
And I am not that naive to think it will be easy. During my therapy sessions I explained like the worst nightmare I ever had was a somewhat beige background with a small slightly lighter dot on it (me) and lots of brownish "things" running over that dot periodically. I guess, "fear of being crushed by the world". And I think I was able to overcome this fear by… Feeling like a child.
My therapist first said, that it’s bad, but then I explained it to her and she accepted it: while feeling as if I’m 16 or something instead of actual 30, I accept the vastness of the world and lack of control over things in it, let alone the world in general, but I also accept the excitement of "wonders" and "opportunities".
Somehow that helped me become calmer and more patient over the year, but also a bit more "active" at the same time. There were quite a few "blunders" during the year: not all daisies with my employer, learning that I am sterile, dealing with my father, wasting money on preparations for some activities planned for 2020, wasting way more due to fraudsters… And yet I had very few episodes, when I became too emotional. In fact, on December 30th I felt the most "light", like nothing was pushing me down, no negativity, only hopefulness, I guess.
I became (or at least am trying to) more patient with both self and others. Does not mean I do not get irritated at times, but I try to reign it in, when necessary. Especially with self, since, I guess, I was raised to kick myself if I make a mistake. I think a lot of children from my "area" had similar up-bringing, which is a bad pattern. So, yes, more patient with self. Also trying to "pace" myself. I recovered my "mojo", which was damaged in previous years, but I try not to overuse it, keep up with needed rest. I mean, what good can I be, if I overexert myself to death again?
In the end, while this year did not bring me that much closer to achieving my goals, it was "evolutionary" and thus helped in reinforcing the base and thus… It was good. Or at least, better that quite a few years before it.
Still a lot to do (and some to finish) in 2020, but I can do that. I mean, I am still here after 30 years, that alone should be worth something, right?
