I think I know what else continues to block me from writing. Fear. No, not the fear of failure, I grew past that. And not fear of success, obviously. This is going to sound weird, but it's not like I'm seen as much of a normal person either way...
You see, I was not entirely honest (which is rare) when I told on this page how I started writing this piece of crap called Simbiat. In fact, it just came to me. Like bits and pieces at first, but getting more details in time. When it first came into my head, I thought it was a memory. Like a past life or something. This is why main character is Dmitry, same as the author.
And no matter how crazy that sounds, I am afraid, that it is, indeed a memory. Or that it is some kind of interpretation of a prophecy of my future or something. It's just that some... Events in my life... They seem to be mirroring the story in my head. Not as dramatic and epic and exaggerated, but still.
I mean, without getting too much into details, beside Dmitry there are 3 other characters that will be like the most important to him and to the story. One of them is Besputha, already appearing in the book, 2 others were not mentioned. But they will appear, after Dmitry will have to start a... Kind of a project. And, I think, I see like interpretations of those characters in proximity of my own life. And I do believe that they have a strong potential to be help me realize my "project" (which is making a game based off the book).
With one of the persons I am having (or was having) a relationship which resembles that of Dmitry and Besputha (not that close, though). Again, not the whole story of their relationship was written down yet, but what I have in mind is really-really close. Lower in amplitude, but same frequency.
Some may say, that I'm just basin the book off the events in my life, but ideas for the book always came *before*. And this is what scares me. What if it's not a delusion or pattern-searching or whatever, but what if it is real. Crazy, yeah, but what if? More than once a dream I saw felt so real and vivid it turned into a story or a chapter. More than once I woke up from another dream, and felt like the world around me changed even if just a little bit, but enough to question myself: "Have I really woken up?". And those moment similar to Frank Herbert's adab...
I'm like Stephen King the Character in Stephen King the Author's Dark Tower: writing something, that I feel is extremely important, but getting blocks constantly, as if something is trying to stop me from actually finishing it. Wonder if Stephen actually felt like that or it was just an artistic thing...
So, yeah... I am afraid. 'Cause I know the ending of my fictional story and I do not want the same ending for my real one.
